At the Foot of the Stairs

I think I'm getting used to the roller coaster. One minute, things are fine and placid, and the next I feel anxious and sick. I try not to fret about the days I haven't updated this. I figure that my decisions not to update on a given day reflect this experience as well as the days that I do write. I made a semi-conscious decision not to update while I was home last week. I was safe and cushioned and that doesn't really make for interesting writing, or reading. When I first returned to Kirksville, I told Dereck, "I wish it felt like I'd never left, but it definitely feels like I left." I was not prepared for how exhausted I was. A couple of nights, I went to bed around 7pm and slept til 11am the next day. But mostly, I hung out with Dereck and the kids in the evening, and during the day, I just rested and saw some friends. I haven't crocheted anything since right before Christmas. I went from doing it obsessively to not at all, and I don't really k...

Hey Sweetie, I just wanted to write you a proper note in addition to our texts and telephone conversations. I was thinking last night when I was lying in bed that apart from my parents, when I was growing up, you are the one person with whom I have lived the longest. I think you are also one of the people with whom I have had the longest, healthiest, most precious relationships. Our bond is very special to me. I have been thinking about how you are shutting down emotionally, and I think that is a normal and appropriate response to stress. It's a coping mechanism that I never really mastered. I have always feared shutting down emotionally, so I have remained open to very hurtful and harmful situations at times that I probably should have shut down to protect myself. I do believe that your stresses and the causes for your emotional shut down are largely temporary. When I return home, when this year of school is done, you will start to open again naturally. Socially, you may not...

Matt found a demo scanner, so yesterday, my niece Cassidy scanned photos for hours and hours like a pro. A lot of them are upside down. We scanned six or more at a time sometimes. I'll try to do something more organized with them later, but my mom wanted the photos, and I wanted digital copies. So, after we scanned them, I returned her albums to her yesterday. You can see the pictures here . They date back more than 50 years. This week was difficult in new ways from the previous weeks. This week, I hit a real wall in terms of depression and missing my family. I finally booked a flight home for tomorrow. I'll be home until next Saturday, unless I come back sooner, either because I feel pulled or because something happens. My dad's stats are really good. The doctor and the nurse are really encouraged. But last Monday, we had a scare. Sunday night, my dad was having some trouble breathing. After he got up to go to the bathroom, he said he just wanted to lie in bed and brea...

I am exhausted, disheartened, bored, sick to death of being out here, stuck in this situation, stuck in this house (even after getting out today), sick of not knowing when I can go home, sick of missing my family and friends. And today the stupid idiot used car lot of a fucking nursing home told us they think our mother needs the lockdown unit. She has not been wandering out fo the building-- she is just a huge pain in the ass. And I am hugely pissed. My dad is pissed at us for making plans to go to the nursing home today and then out to lunch with the kids, asking his brother-in-law and then a neighbor to stay with him while we went out. My dad was like, "I didn't know what was going on today. I didn't know you were going up there until right before you left and told me H was coming over." I can understand that he felt mad that we had just made arrangements without consulting him-- but honestly, did he have PLANS today? I'm just sick to death of this.