At the Foot of the Stairs

I just figured out one of the things that bothered me about today. I've mentioned cleaning her sleep machine. I have mentioned helping her with rotating her mattress and asked about the whirlpool. They were so shocked today when I was angry, and just jumping through hoops to accomodate me-- they went in and apologized to my mother and asked about helping her clean her apnea machine for the first time in a month. You shouldn't have to get angry to get this kind of treatment. I don't think it's too much to ask for this to be expected and granted . You shouldn't kick a dog just because he can't tell and his owner hasn't yelled at you yet.

So, how long did I go before I cracked up? It's been since before Christmas, so not too bad of a run, considering the strain. Today, I gave notice at the nursing home. After yelling. A lot. Some of you have been privy to my temper, and for those of you who haven't, let me tell you: It's a real treat. The director was out of his office when I started raising hell to the woman I met with on Tuesday night and told her that I was fed up, that nobody helped my mother with things like cleaning her apnea machine, rotating her mattress, they won't fill up their little hot tub for her because it's "inconvenient" and she is repeatedly told, "Ask your family." Well, if the family has to do everything for her, because they won't even provide TOILET PAPER, then I'd like to know what we are paying $4400 a month for. A space so small that a college student would rightfully object? So they can say no to her fifty times a day when she asks for meds? T...

My mother is the Holden Caulfield of nursing homes. She seems almost determined to get kicked out. Last night's conversation omitted a little detail that was being considered for my mother: A room that had a door she could close, but which she would still be sharing with another resident. For the low, low price of $10 more per day. That is $240 more than we had to pay per month just to move her downstairs. And how long has it been since they wanted to move her and increase her rates? Not long enough. Today I told her, "You go ahead and get yourself kicked out of every nursing home we put you in, and I'll make sure that every subsequent one is cheaper and shittier." So, I called Matt and we talked about it. I am calling tomorrow to tender our 30 days notice. I have already been looking for nursing homes in Provo or Orem. For one thing, even having her just 40 minutes away is a huge pain in the ass. today, I had to go and get her for an appointment with her pain doc...

I have a headache, so this might be brief. I think my dad and I were both a little down today. There was no specific cause for it. Just the particular dust particles in our air today or something. Speaking of which, my brother asked if maybe my father and I have both been extremely tired since Saturday because the air quality is bad here sometimes. I haven't seen anything on the news about it, but it's possible. I don't really think it's related to my father's cancer, though, because we have both been napping during the day AND going to bed earlier and sleeping later. So maybe he wasn't down today and I am just projecting. Anyway. I fell for it again. My mother called this morning and said that she is having so much pain that she can't do anything. She has no quality of life. She sounded genuinely distressed and near tears. So, I got her into her pain doctor tomorrow, a week ahead of schedule. Then I go up to the nursing home at 5pm for a meeting with ...

It's been an interesting week. I have been doing a lot of other writing this week, so I feel like I've been neglecting things around here a little. On the other hand, the other writing I've been doing has been energizing me and making me feel fully alive and present in my life, so I'm going to try to continue it. I feel like, after months of drought, the writing floodgates are opening and I have a window of potentially great productivity right now, so I have to take advantage of it before the next dry spell. On Tuesday, my dad and I got out for an eye exam and to pick out some glasses. I had been writing a lot that morning, so right before we left, at around 2:20, I was standing in the kitchen eating my lunch-- dipping bread into hummus. My dad looked at me and said, "You eat too much." "Excuse me?" "Oh, is that your lunch? I thought you were just eating." "Yes, it's my lunch. You know every day I'm going downstairs a...

Not really. But I wrote five posts for the TV blog I write for and have been neglecting for months now. It takes a lot of time to write the posts, search the web for pics and links to put into the post, to tag it, and set it all up. So, basically, I'm tired, but I've made notes to do a longer post tomorrow.

Last night, my dad was still up when I got home from the train station. We sat and chatted for a little while before he went to bed. So far, I've heard most of the things Matt has heard. For some reason, my dad seems to think (currently) that his time is nigh. He asked Matt, "Do you think Jen will be okay if I die on her?" Matt and I were standing behind the car at the train station. As we put my stuff into the trunk, I lit a cigarette and we stood there while I smoked it, and I laughed and said, "What does he think I'm going to do? Run around the house screaming like a chicken with its head cut off?" "Dude, I don't know," my brother shook his head. "Dad keeps saying that he doesn't give a shit about the world, but it's his family he's going to miss." Well, my dad seems to be a little sick of my mother's "bullshit," so that leaves me and Matt. So, as we suspected, our being here seems to make him want to di...

I'm sitting on a train with the beatiful Colorado River and reddish Rocky cliffs out my window. It's amazing how this train trip, I haven't felt like I had to escape into television or a game or a book the whole time. I have been happy just to think. I read a great article last week about the power and necessity of loneliness. I need a lot of alone time. My friend Chris was telling me that he likes to talk to people on the train, but I don't. I am perfectly happy not even going to the observation car. I like my little bubble with my pillow and blanket and all my STUFF. To catch you up after my blogging hiatus for, what, a month now? I am on the train back to Utah. We should get getting to Grand Junction soon, and I'll get off the train and stretch. Sometimes when I ride, I don't get off the train more than once the entire journey. This time I've gotten off a lot. I also have not put on my glasses today, but I read the entirety of Winter's Bone. Not sur...