Monday, October 6, 2014

Today is hard. I don't even know how I got myself to work this morning, nor how I sat through an hour and a half of conferences with my students.

On Saturday, I slept in til 1:30 p.m. Thank goodness. I barely moved before then, so I must have really needed it. I woke up to a text from my sister-in-law. Before I go further, let me say that she is blogging about this and putting up links on my Facebook profile, so I think it's okay if I say a little about it here. My brother took her to the hospital on Friday night. "A suicidal watch kind of thing," she said in her text. Vintage Heather, downplaying the serious.

I am beside myself. I knew that she was having a rough time. Hell, their whole family is. She has been having a rough time, though, ever since I can remember, with really no end in sight. I have often marveled at how she has managed to hold things together, but I didn't see this coming. And I feel very badly that I didn't know how badly she was doing. Those statements I crossed out aren't completely true. I did sort of see it coming-- I just had the wrong person in the couple. I have been expecting to hear this about my brother. So, to rephrase, I feel badly that I did know how bad it was and couldn't do more to alleviate it. It's hard for people in lifeboats to rescue the people in the water.

The thing about gallows humor is that it is laced with truths. When I joke about my retirement plan being a large bottle of wine and a bunch of pills, people get nervous. And they should. I'm kidding, but I'm not. Heather kids, but she is not. She has been spending more and more time in her garage, sitting in the car, thinking about turning the key. And the shitty thing is how much the economy plays a huge role in What is Wrong and How Impossible it is to Fix. I'm worried about Heather, they took her phone away this morning. she has been nervous about being transferred to Denver, which is happening today. She's signed her rights away for 72 hours, but I don't know when that period begins or ends. I was very upset when they took her phone away from her, because now I can't check in with her. At least when she had her phone, I knew she was still there.

And I am so very happy she is still there. My god.

This is such a tricky thing to write about. I am trying to figure out what I'm thinking and feeling, but it is mostly images of hospitals and fear. Yesterday, I had to work and then after, I was supposed to go on a huge grocery run and then go over and take care of some things for my mother. I went to bed instead. A friend of mine I haven't seen in a long time was in town last night, and she came over. I told her about what was happening. I didn't even know that I needed to be held until she put her arms around me and I cried like a little girl.

1 comment:

  1. I've been following Heather's posts. My heart aches for her and her family. Love to you all as you battle through this.