At the Foot of the Stairs

I can tell that I need to take the rest of the week to re-charge. My life is usually pretty social and filled with people. It's hard not to be when you live with four other people. But I think I need to take advantage of the kids being with their father and some friends being out of town and just kind of retreat and take some time to replenish. I woke up today feeling a little spent, like I've been giving out too many bits of myself without  making sure I have reserves. I can tell that I need some time alone because I keep thinking about getting back in bed. I don't need a nap. I need time to myself. So, I think I'm going to shut off my chat programs and retreat a little bit.

It's not uncommon for me to wake up to a new friend request. Particularly from someone I don't know, but has friends in common with me. Hazard of small town life. This morning, the friend we had in common is a fake identify (the doll of a friend's daughter-- don't ask), so I wondered if this might be too. Within a half hour, I had this in my Inbox: Hi Between  You  and Names have been stripped to protect the innocent December 30 at 12:25pm Thanx for accepting my frindship request,are u married,do u live alone,where are u from.whats the age... Sent via  Facebook Mobile Dude. I didn't think my profile picture was that good.  _________________________________________________________ Edited to add:  Haha, I blogged this too soon.  Got this in reply: " Oh thats nice thank god for u.well dont u have anybody so beautiful like u for me?doesnt matter age..." Hmmm... maybe I should just go for it?

And once when I rose from her body it was like water I looked into water I had held. -- Stanley Plumly

Bangkok, my friend writes, is evil and she is going to save it from Buddha and Nirvana. Sundays, I like to read gossip and drink coffee when I should be in church. I fell my friend that I am chaste and devout as lilacs because she asks, because she wants me to be because she is in Bangkok. Yesterday, I forgot my coat. Bangkok, she writes, is hot. It clings to her, mosquito net, tangled in the dark.

I have been thinking a lot lately about relationships, desire, stimulation, connections, boredom, interests, and how all of these things come together. I have long believed that you can know something intellectually long before you know it emotionally. And sometimes, at least in my case, until you know it emotionally, it doesn’t really resonate or click. Intellectual knowledge is pretty limited: A judge who doesn’t have children can’t possibly understand the terror involved in a custody battle, the fear of not being able to wake in the same house as your children every morning. And so it is with things that I learn emotionally either through thinking about them for a long time or having new experiences that teach me. There are probably a number of these things, thought and experience, at play in the conversation I have had with myself. All of your life, you hear that you can’t really rely on anyone but yourself, that you can’t really know another person. That mostly what we know...

Facebook just recommended that I friend someone. The name seemed familiar, but I was a little startled when I saw our mutual friends and realized that it is my brother's birthmother. I just hit the X. Not really ready to do that.

[re-post from Facebook because I know some of you (okay, just one, Liza) are not on Facebook and missed this. I posted before and after pictures of myself from the past 7 months to illustrate just that: Yes, Missy, my size has changed. I'm hedging about how much weight I've lost because I don't know. I am afraid to step on the scale because that is always depressing-- but I do know that Between August 17 and August 29th, I lost ten pounds. I was at my parents' house and weighing myself during that brief period. Because I have continued to lose inches this Fall, I can safely assume it's more than ten pounds. It's funny-- people always want to know why and how someone loses weight, but we don't ask (and why would we?) why and how people GAIN weight. Because we know why, right? We gain weight by eating too much, right? And we lose it by restricting our food intake and exercising, right? That's what I thought for the past 7 years. But I couldn't...

Tonight I sit on my couch and watch for you and I can see the light of the moon on the street. I picture you in your car, Sitting in darkness with music, the night all around you, headlights and moon on the road. What is the strength of a vision? Maybe you are not in your car, coming back to me, Missouri from Kentucky. Neils Bohr saw electrons in the laboratory and said our cosmos depends on observation: If you have a vision, you will see it. Even Ezekiel saw the destruction of the Temple years before it began. He started mourning so when Judah really fell he was ready to live again. So I sit here on the couch, eyes closed, and I am with you, unseen, in your car, and will it so. We are pushed and pulled each day by contradictory forces, standing up against gravity and drawn always toward the center of the earth its moltenous, destructional core. Is that why we seek the cold loveliness of the moon? Her constant presence, changing, shape. Tonight I feel b...

Yesterday, I am not sure I moved from one spot for... hmmm... it was a long time. I probably got up to go to the bathroom. I half a bagel before I went outside, and took coffee with me, which cooled every time I tried to get a new cuppa going, before I could drink it. At some point, my friend John brought me a mocha. About ten minutes after he left, Jeremy showed up with some Red Bull (which he consumed eventually, 9 hours later, when I had left it untouched). I admit that I was chainsmoking. In fact, I would periodically reach for my cigarette, discover that none were lit, and light another one. And so it went. Actually submitting a federal grant is something else. Weeks ahead of time, you have to register with the granting agency. Then, you have to get all kinds of confidential numbers and passwords from your university saying that you are, in fact, allowed to submit grants on their behalf. Fortunately, I did all that weeks ago. In fact, I scared a few people in the business offi...

For some reason, I always seem to have a much more intense need to write when I am under the gun of a big grant deadline, as I am now. This morning, I was thinking about it when I ran out to the grocery store to get the lancets they forgot to include with Christian's prescriptions yesterday. There are plenty of other things in the house I could use to make him bleed, but I am fairly certain the AMA and AAP would frown on the use of a well-sterilized thumb tack. (Although, really, look at the word "thumb tack." Perhaps they were invented for blood sugar testing. Probably not.) Back to the need to write paired with an intense deadline. My ex-husband always liked to tell a story about a young student who came from a small, rural area (this is a folklore story, by the way, or as my ex used to ask at the beginning of such tales, "Is this a Polish student?"). He amazed his professors and excelled in philosophy, English, psychology, sociology, anthropology. And wh...

Clay and I were friends when we were at Brigham Young University together. He and my friend Valerie (his wife) also ended up living in Kirksville (where we live) for two years while he taught here. She and I had babies within a couple of months of each other (her first, my third).

At The Foot of the Stairs

Anne Lamott told a story in Operating Instructions about a cat that a friend had that was sick and lying in a puddle. Concerned people worried for the cat. “Shouldn’t we take it to the vet?” But one smart person prevailed: “No. If you attempt to move the cat, it will die. It is doing what it needs to do. Just let it lay in the puddle.” I feel like last year I just had to lie in the puddle. And maybe now I’m starting to take care of myself again and come out of the puddle. It’s nice and safe in the puddle though. There is comfort in just lying on John’s dirty kitchen floor too drunk to move. I am starting to understand, for the first time, Heather’s fear of success—and of even trying for fear of failure. Inertia is such a powerful, evil thing.

In the twenties, Niels Bohr performed experiments with electrons: He fired electrons through two small slats in a wall; depending on which opening, upper or lower, that the electrons passed through, they hit the upper or lower part of the final wall that stopped them. So: can you picture a machine that fires electrons, fired through two slats in one wall, to travel through a space, and then stop at a second wall? Next, he closed the bottom slat; the electrons went through the upper slat and hit the upper portion of the wall. Next, close the upper slat, and see the electrons pass through the bottom slat, to hit the lower portion of the wall. Then, just for fun, he fired the electrons through both slats, and after they had passed through the slats, he closed the upper slat. There is no way for the electrons to have known this. Yet, they hit the lower portion of the wall. He tried it again, by closing the lower slat AFTER the electrons had passed. Again. Again. Again. He determined that o...

My freshman year of college, I took a life-changing course called Learning How to Learn, or something very close to that. It was an Honors Colloquium which combined the disciplines of English, math, science, and psychology for freshmen. I remember being shocked by some of the things they gave us to read about evolution, about the nature of truth… It seemed to me that our professors were deliberately giving us materials that would lead us away from the church—or at least make us question it thoroughly. I still do not know if that was their objective, but I do know, after teaching a freshman class myself, that critical thinking is a Dangerous course to teach because it can definitely lead to little revolutions. Even now, with a Masters in English and three years of university teaching behind me, I can see how distinctly unique this class was. And later I realized that the critical thinking skills I obtained in this class, the connections I learned to make, eventually assisted me in t...

Before I went to the temple in Washington D. C. with my family to be sealed for time and all eternity, I went to the temple with a youth trip. The LDS Church’s mission is to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ to everyone who has ever lived. Perhaps you know that if you want to do geneaology, the place to do it is in Salt Lake City. Well, there is a reason for this. In order to spread the gospel, it is important first to identify every person who has ever lived. And this occurs through geneaology. For every relative a member of the church identifies, a name is submitted to the temple. In the temple, work is done for the living and the dead. The LDS teach that work can be done by proxy for the dead. So, LDS people are commanded to go often to the temple. The only time you do work for living is the first time you go, and you do it for yourself. Before any additional work can be done, a person has to be baptized. And because the adults are busy doing work for adults (there are sacr...

Months ago they cupped their hands around one lighter and the tip of his cigarette burned her right middle knuckle The small white scar an emblem of desire that scalds her now, scalds her now.

It's been at least thirty years since I saw her if I saw her then at all. I don't know how it was that day: Her hair was brown or blonde, long, it swept her shoulders, short, it got pushed back. Her eyes were blue. She was awake or asleep, she saw me or she did not. It doesn't much matter to me, now does it? The lights were probably bright, the room busy and cold. She was probably in pain. The only thing I really know is this: I was there before I left. I was naked and small, and her blood was all over me.

Your wife, thirty-seven years, had all of her teeth pulled out. She stayed with her mother, another town, her mouth open in gaps. The next day she went back. Twenty- eight straight white teeth will not take off weight, nine of your children, years of marriage. They will change her whole face. She will smile more, laugh more, She will feel more. She will want you to respond to this. She wants you to take her in your arms, kiss her shiny new teeth, run your husband tongue all over them.

Dust, in its Infinite Lightness, can double the weight of a mattress in ten years. You stand at the foot of the bed. The sheet, a blue canopy, hovers and rests for a moment on dust or air, inertia, the energy of its own rise before it falls. Physics tells you a feather will fall at the same speed as a brick, but the sheet wafts down unevenly, rests and settles, wrinkled on the bed for you to straighten. You can think of these things, physics and weight, ten years of accumulated dust, the cleaning and the straightening and the crawling into bed, or remember how the breeze lifts the curtain and the sun catches dust in a stream of light while you stand, arms raised, attached to the sheet that billows out before you on the air.

The Thinnes s 1 The day he was born he drew milk from her so fiercely what should have been teaspoon spilled out of her by late evening. Her body opened: milk bood baby water on the same day. Those were the things she wondered what her body could do. 2 It was years before she knew it could claim her closing her one cell at the time. 3 The son can still see her waiting for him on the top step on the front porch hair pulled back in thin strings. She sits, a wisp, with her cigarette smoke curled round her, then into thin air: Thumb and forefinger the width of her wrist her skin white in the porch light doesn't pinch from the bone. She can feel her own thinness, paraffin, leafmark on the back of her hand. ______________________________________________ Remember this? Placenta It is all song: voice of hands Here we are fire and steam, we dance the absence without loss Body knows the drum- beat is all time Fall down music dance head and arms in the womb We are all drums: bongoes, kettle, ...

I have survived the weekend. Just barely.

Last night, I dreamt that I wrote a poem. It was a kickass poem. Today I woke up and it wasn't true. I really wish that dream had been real. I know, I know. Go forth and make it real! Ha ha. Easier said than done.

I am a creature of habit. Bad habits, as a matter of fact. I tend to "loop" on things, which means I just go over and over them in my mind, rather than breaking the loop and being healthier, wasting less time, being more productive, etc. Take, for example, my blog. I didn't want to update until I had time to fully update on ALL the FUN things! That have been going on this summer! But today I finally realized that that train has left. I will have to let it go on without me, without you, and I will just have to accept the fact that I cannot simultaneously live my life AND document it, no matter how much I'd like to. I narrate my life constantly in my own head, saving up posts, but then I can't type enough to keep up with it. Suffice it to say, I am having a fun summer. The second example of bad habits and looping is this: Whenever my client work slows down, I pause on the last assignments, drawing out the time between getting them and doing them, because I don't...

I told my friend Heith that I would make an attempt to blog every day in June, although I know some of the posts will be very short. And look at me! I'm three days into June and I've goofed it up already. This is either a place holder for me to return to after I am finished working OR this is today's post. If you don't follow me on Facebook, then you might not be aware that I know 5 guitar chords now (ACDEG) and I have my first blister from practicing. I think that's kind of awesome. How are you?

I have some friends who are in a band. A good band . I met them through some other friends and we just clicked! Even though they are all in their early twenties. One of them is asleep in my studio right now, and the lead singer is asleep in my kids' room (she has been sick and her roommate is out of town so she's nervous staying at her house alone, so I asked her to stay here and have been stuffing her with Mucinex and orange juice). The one in the studio is also an art major. He has been using the studio to work on collage posters advertising their next show, which is this Friday, in town. They are also playing two shows in St. Louis next month-- one with a band that has been on David Letterman called An Horse. It's a band they are huge fans of, so playing with them means the world to them. I think I have learned more about new music in the past few weeks than in the past twenty years. J likes to hang out here because nobody knows where he is. It's a respite from his...

I just wanted to check in and say that I have given up on trying to update everything that is going on (good! mostly good!) because it's been so long. But I'm still here and will resume regular blogging tomorrow-ish.

Last night, I was ready to go to bed after watching House . But John texted me and asked if I wanted to hang out. Then Heather called and without violating either of their privacy, it was clear that they both sort of needed to hang out a bit last night, so I told them to come on over. Two other people joined us, and Dereck, so we all hung out and ended up toasting my birthday at midnight. I went to bed finally at 1:00 a.m. I got up at 3:00 a.m. to test Christian's sugar. I got up at 6:00 a.m. and went to his bedroom to test his sugar before having him leave his warm covers for his shot and then his bath before breakfast. (He eats 1/2 hour after his insulin shot, and he is not supposed to go back to sleep in that time). While I was in my bathrobe in Christian's room, I heard my friend Chris's voice in the kitchen, talking to Sam. I thought, "Why is Chris in my kitchen at 6:00 a.m.?" By the time I went in to find out, Chris was gone and had left: A full thermos of c...

In spite of my Wellbutrin and going to bed at a reasonable time last night, I feel tired today. Like, I should get up and go get the list of Christian's blood sugars from the weekend and update the computer form, but I don't want to go to the effort. Days like this are almost never productive. With one notable exception, it has been an exhausting four days. First Tommy got a fever, and then Christian did. And fevers will never be the same in this house again. Fevers cause blood sugars to spike. And when that happens, you have to introduce urine testing for ketones and additional insulin into the mix. Giving Christian additional insulin makes me very nervous. I hate it. He stayed home from school Thursday with Tommy (both had fevers). Then, Tommy's went away, and Christian's got higher. Friday morning, it was 102.6 and he complained of chest pain. When his blood sugar gets high, he gets paler, until he gets the flush of fever which is too bright, two red stains on his ch...

Today was better... but weird. It's like yesterday there was a huge earthquake, and so today I was just sort of wading through the tremors. The silence was deafening. Sorry I can't be more specific. But you know how it is. I went for a walk with a friend tonight to catch up and it took me AN HOUR just to tell her about YESTERDAY. By the end of it, she was slightly in tears on my behalf. I do sort of feel like I must have a bull's eye on my forehead lately. But, things will work out. How will they? I don't know yet. (Sorry, a little Shakespeare in Love for you.) That's about all I've got. Except that Tommy and Christian both have fevers (Christian's is very low, but now I have to practice due diligence), so I may have two kids home tomorrow. Sam is a little miffed that his temperature is normal. I can't say I blame him, but I'm glad somebody is healthy.

Today was a no-good, terrible, awful day. And I mean that for me. No other members of my family are represented by that statement, though Christian had his lowest low at school today-- and it was a half hour AFTER his morning snack! And he has had the same breakfast and snack with me that he had all of last week. So, I am a bit baffled. But, he had a glucose tab, then some milk, retested a half hour later, and he was fine. I appreciated the school nurse calling. Back to me (because although I find Christian's diabetes interesting, I am not sure I want this to become Christian's Juvenile Diabetes Blog ). The day was intense, stressful, and long. But at least, thanks to my Wellbutrin , I got to stay awake for all of it. Yay me. I can't write about why it was bad. Let's just say that I'll live, it wasn't tragic, and everything will be okay. One of the things I do, one of my callings right now, is to drive my friend John around town. He lives near me, and due to a s...

I just came out to the studio to work because this is where my laptop has been living. And by work, I mean blog. And by "where my laptop has been living," I mean that I can smoke out here. You'll be happy and proud of me to know that I went to my doctor on Friday, FINALLY. I had made the appointment at the same time I wanted to have Christian checked out for an ear infection... Well, I think we all know how well that turned out (on the plus side, they did cure the ear infection in one night, with a single, IV dose of anti-biotics). So, I walked in with my list and said, "Please keep in mind, I made this appointment BEFORE what happened with Christian, so let's just keep that out of the equation for now." I was nearly sure that he would tell me that my fatigue was caused by going to bed too late and then having my sleep interrupted by driving kids to school and my subsequent returns to bed. But when I asked about that, he started shaking his head almost immed...