Edited to provide a link to the whole gory story.
Nobody prepares you for parenthood. This much is true. But in all fairness, how could they? One of the biggest surprises I have had, though, is how much my kids make me laugh. This morning, I was laughing so hard while driving them to school that Sam asked me if I was okay.
The conversation started in the house. The boys were talking about reading stories on Cracked.com, and poking fun of understatement. A police officer was shot through the arm, and when asked if it hurt, replied, "It did a bit, yes."
I asked, "Was he Canadian?"
Then, there was the British officer, when asked about whether a crime scene at which a man had committed suicide by cutting off his own head with a chainsaw was a shock, replied, "In some ways it was, sir."
Sam continued the conversation in the car, imitating the officer first, and then immediately asking, "In what ways WASN'T it a shock?"
He continued with, "Maybe people heard the chainsaw, so they knew he was doing something with a chainsaw. Just not that."
I was already laughing at this point, and Sam looked at me. "What?"
I said, "Your delivery was just perfect,"
and Christian screeched from the back seat, "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!"
He and Tommy have still not quite mastered the concept behind "That's what she said," so Christian is always very proud of the moments when he really nails it.
I said, "How can you cut off your own head with a chainsaw, anyway? I mean, wouldn't you die before you could finish the job?"
Don't ask your 16-year-old questions like that. For he will have answers.
"He set a timer."
"He set a timer?"
"Yes, for ten minutes, and then he rested the chainsaw against his neck."
"Hey, look at the ice on the trees!" I exclaimed, not wanting to think about the man cutting off his own head with a chainsaw hooked up to a timer, while Sam calmly continued:
"The officer said there was so much blood, he couldn't even identify a cut mark."
"How do you sleep at night, reading this stuff, Sam?"
"I sleep very well."
"But don't you have images of this stuff running through your head?"
"It's not MY fault he cut off his own head. He got an email from his girlfriend, something about breaking up with him and the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and he thought she wanted him to do it."
"Just because someone wants you do to that doesn't mean you should do that," I admonished, careful to impart this important lesson to the children before school.
I just can't think of any scenario in which I would think that was a good idea. And I have a pretty big imagination.
By this time, we were almost at school, so I understated, "God, I bet that hurt," to which Sam replied, before getting out of the car:
"Well, the article said that before he did it, he poured himself a stiff drink."
Seriously. Like that would make a difference.