Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Oh The Shame...

An Open Letter...



It's been fun. Better than fun. It's been grand. But we've been discovered-- and I can no longer continue the betrayal, the rationalization, the lies...



Darling, my body has discovered that I have been cheating with you. It didn't notice at first-- a little drink over dinner in Orlando was perfectly harmless, justifiable. And by the time it noticed that it was drunk tipsy and that I had eaten one and a half desserts, well, its memory was foggy the next day...



But as you know, it wasn't harmless. This has been a full-on love affar: cheesy, deep fried appetizers, thick alcoholic wonders called "Chocolate Pie," and then at home: the Ben and Jerry's, the oreos with the orange creme for Halloween, the Butterfingers, the Reeses Cups...



But the pinnacle was this weekend when I went to Jaarsma Bakery in Pella, Iowa, and got Dutch letters, sinful pastries filled with creme called "pillows" and a creme tart.



My body finally came forward with the evidence: an expanding waistline. Exercising Friday and Sunday did not convince my body that I was ready to stop. My body has finally staged an intervention.



"Look," it told me, "it isn't enough that you live with me. I need more of a commitment. How do you think I feel with you running around town with every cheap tart that will go home with you? It's humiliating! Do you think the other bodies haven't noticed this? And now it's time to think of the clothes. Surely you know it is inappropriate to be carrying on this way in front of the clothes, the clothes in whom we have invested so much time, money, and love. Don't you think the clothes have felt the strain? The tightened seams, the straining buttons. And soon, when you replace them for newer, younger clothes, how will they feel when you don't spend time with them? Will they be convinced, in the back of your closet, that it is only temporary and it is really them that you want?"



I had to agree. I have a lifelong commitment to this body, and I don't think it's going to stick around very long if I continue this way.



So, even though, really, it has been dreamy-- it's over, now. Please don't call me or try to catch my eye in the grocery store. I am sure you will understand when I walk by without speaking or making eye contact. Please don't be hurt when I quicken my steps, or avoid aisles that you are in... I can't remain friends... the temptation is just too great...



Goodbye...

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