At the Foot of the Stairs

Vampire smut? Do you all like vampire smut? Should I start my new Laurell K. Hamilton book early?

I am so freaked out that I actually put that last post on my blog that I am eating leftover pumpkin pie. That I really don't need. Sigh. I can't do this-- I can't put that kind of stuff on my blog-- but if I don't, I really won't have anything to post right now. Sigh.

I couldn't think of any other title, so I decided on cold feet, because my feet are freezing, and I'm too lazy to go and get my slippers, and I'll probably get a cold. Today at work they intimated that they might give us some time off for good grants behavior. Believe me, there are women in that office who deserve it more than I do, though I did give up a day and a half of my vacation to go in. So, is this going to become the religion blog, all the time? I hope not. But Dana issued a challenge: for every day of the Christmas season, she wants us to post one thing we are doing that is holiday-related. Today at Hy-Vee, I picked up a long, purple candle (what are the long ones called? Tapers? The little ones are votives, and this is not a votive) and then I broke it. So I put white duct tape on it. I went up to the attic and got the plastic holly candle ring that I have never before use around a candle, for the wreath, and found a child's Advent prayer and printed that o...

The sky is officially grey, as my friends in Ohio and Illinois can relate. And it will stay grey until sometime in late March. Hurray. It is, as you can see by the title of this post, snowing. And whether or not there is school tomorrow is largely to be determined by how cold it gets: will it freeze? They tend to cancel school here if someone sneezes, which irritates and amuses Liza From Minnesota to no end, but pleases me greatly, as I "work from home" those days. Even though, I have to say, there were times when I worked for the school district when I was scraping inches of snow and ice from my car and swearing at the superintendent the entire time for not cancelling that day. You never really know until your alarm has gone off and you're already too awake to fully enjoy sleeping in that day. It's just the way it works out. So, I hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving (well, those of you who celebrate Thanksgiving-- I do have the occasional international reader, Hel...

You Are the Helper 2 You always put on a happy face and try to help those around you. You're incredibly empathetic and care about everyone you know. Able to see the good in others, you're thoughtful, warm, and sincere. You connect with people who are charming and charismatic. What number are you?

I only have one cigarette left. This not good, people (not that anybody is reading this but me, because nobody is commenting, but, hey, even though today is a day when I particularly need email and comments, and I ain't gettin' any, that's okay), because this is a day designed to make people crazy. Our entire institution got out at noon today. Except my department . My boyfriend got home last night (see post below this) and he has the entire day off, so he is at home alone, without me. He is making split pea soup for dinner. To make matters worse, everyone here has been sending around emails detailing their availability to work all weekend (except tomorrow, so wow, we get one day off). It wouldn't be so bad if I was feverishly busy. But this has been the structure of my day: check email. no email. go and ask writing partner if there is anything i can do. no. sit tight. go downstairs and pee. go to meeting with project director and freak her out. go downstairs an...

10. His car is in the driveway. 9. The dog is in the house. 8. The toilet paper rolls that used to be on the floor by the People magazine are now on their designated toilet paper holders. 7. The mail that used to be on the coffee table is now on the floor. 6. The leftover ribs have been eaten. 5. The dishwasher has been unloaded. 4. There are three, gorgeous new crosses in the dining room, waiting to be hung. 3. I didn't have to walk the dog this morning. 2. Mmmhmmmhmmmm.... And the number one way I can tell that Dereck is home from San Antonio? 1. Mr. Kitty slept in the bed last night.

Yesterday, it was explained to me that at a certain point in the grantwriting process in our office, the writing and editing can no longer be done by multiple individuals. Therefore, once I was finished with the section I was working on (which SUCKS apparently), I was to save and close out, and from that moment forward, I was no longer to work on the documents electronically, but instead, could make my revisions on hard copy. "So, what do I do now." "Well, you have to think of it as kind of like labor." Which is like waiting while you are in extreme pain . It was an apt analogy. And you will probably think I am idiotic, but it actually took me about an hour to figure out that, in fact, eleven years ago yesterday, my waters broke and I began laboring with my first child. For 24 hours. I was waiting while I was in extreme pain . And so, here I am, eleven years later, and once more, I am in labor. But today, I would like to take the opportunity to remember that eleven...

Wow, if I had had any choice about coming into work this week, I would have stayed far far away. The tension here is worse than the PMS in a Red Tent from ancient times. It is a good thing my writing partner is a gentle soul-- but today she has the responsibility of assembling this huge nightmare into one seamless whole for our PI to read by 4:00 today. So, I am trying to find articles and quotes she needs to help her, and generally stay the hell out of the way. Yesterday, I deliberately yanked the chain of one of my co-workers because I knew she was just hopping mad, and I am lucky I got out of here last night with my head still attached to my body. I feel so bad for my writing partner, but she has the greater experience, and only one person can do what she is doing now. Sigh. Dereck is coming back today. While he has been gone, and since the kids have been gone, I have been on full pet patrol, taking the dog for all of her walks, making sure the little spoiled kitties get their c...

You have to admit. It suits. ... There will be time, there will be time To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet; There will be time to murder and create, And time for all the works and days of hands That lift and drop a question on your plate; Time for you and time for me, And time yet for a hundred indecisions, And for a hundred visions and revisions, Before the taking of a toast and tea. In the room the women come and go Talking of Michelangelo. And indeed there will be time To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?” Time to turn back and descend the stair, With a bald spot in the middle of my hair— [They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”] My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin, My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin— [They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”] Do I dare Disturb the universe? In a minute there is time For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse. For I have known them all already, known them al...

I cannot believe it is already 1:00 p.m. This is clearly a symptom of age, how quickly this weekend, flew by, and now I am back at work, and the day is more than halfway gone. I tells ya, be careful what you wish for, because I was whining last spring about being bored at work, and now I am so busy, my head is spinning. So, why am I writing this, here, now? Well, because I decided not to take a lunch break today, and instead, ordered a sandwich, half of which will be my supper. So, this pathetic little five minutes of blogging will serve as my entire lunch hour. We got an email telling us, essentially, that the president's edict giving us Wednesday afternoon off does not really apply to us. It has not entirely escaped my notice, however, that the holidays are upon us. And this year, for the first time in four years, I would actually like to get some Christmas cards out, so I am planning to take my little stamps and papers to Pennsylvania and make some cards while I am there (s...

Well, thank you all for weighing in on what I should do this weekend. Obviously, I am still here, and not on retreat, though I think of this weekend as its own little retreat. And I am scheduled to go on retreat now in February. So, last night, after getting my crying jag taken care of, I did the blogwalk thang, the email thang, and then crawled into bed with a glass of milk (to take care of the calcium thang) and re-read my journal from sophomore year of college (the journal and the year were both pathetic, in case you were wondering). This morning, I got up at 7:10, showered, drank coffee, put on makeup, dried my hair, put on a skirt, walked my dog, and was ready to head down to see what this whole Greek Orthodox thang is all about in Columbia, MO. Liza got here with her three kids in tow, and we headed out. She said the car seemed a little off to her, so we drove it, her engine light came on, I told her that can happen a lot with older cars. We went down the highway. She got ...

Well, that's a relief.

I do not even care if it is a dreadful movie by a director I hate. It still makes me cry every time I catch it on cable, and that is exactly why I sat tonight and watched it.

It is now Saturday afternoon, and as usual for a Saturday, I am sitting here wondering how that happened. I feel like I have only been awake for five minutes, and though I did sleep in, I’ve been awake now for hours, talked on the phone several times, took the dog for an extra long walk, but I am still only on my second cup of coffee. I stayed over at Liza's last night until after 2:00 a.m., talking, after making her watch Before Sunrise AND Before Sunset . Sorry to miss Happy Ass, Robbie, but last night, I needed to stay in and watch the flicks. I just put in the Garden State soundtrack, because I finally remembered to bring it home from the office, and I am still obsessed with it. One of the clocks in my house reads 12:45, another 12:39, and regardless of which one is correct, it is clearly getting time to think about lunch. Just now, when I got half and half out of the fridge, I saw that there are leftovers: pork chop; bbq ribs; Dereck’s taco from lunch the other ...

Here is a picture of my kids that Karl had on his blog. Karl prefers me to link to his blog when he posts pictures, but these are MY kids, so I stole it. The one on the very very left, and the two on the very right are mine. The one second from the next is Kaleb . The kids were entranced with holding up the St. Louis arch after Karl suggested it.

"So, about my ex-wife..." An informative class, at times. But for the money, I am angry that I was forced to sit through HOURS of stray topics and his complaints and such about his ex wife, girlfriend, current girlfriend, etc. Ok, so he likes to brag about his investments, ok, so he is obviously sexist, ok, so he thinks he is cool. But he has no business wasting time on those things. He tries to make class fun, and at times it is, but he rarely acts professional or informative. The reviews about his egotism are true. My #1 beef? That he makes openly sexist remarks and encourages conversations about what's wrong with women and such. If arrogance or sexism bugs you, or if you find an older white man trying to be a black teenager insulting to your race/intellegence, take another class. Avoid at All Costs You need to sign in to read the F reviews. Not for everyone, but a lot of fun Mark made it clear right off what he expected. The tests are hard. Come to class if you want. ...

I have been extremely busy and important this morning, just like Bridget Jones, and I am waiting for Liza to get off the phone/internet so I can bug her about lunch. I have 57 minutes before my next meeting. Well, with my grant deadlines, I will not make it out of here at noon like I had first supposed for Friday. And I wanted to. Now, I will not make it out of here before 5:00, putting me at the retreat after 8:00 p.m., at which time I will be tired and it will be dark. So, then I have Saturday, and part of Sunday, and then a three-hour drive back. Will it be restful there? Well, yes, but not if one part of me is stressed out about this grant and half stuck in Kirksville. Even if I stay here, and don't work on it, at least my office is a short walk from home and I could . The impetus for going this particular weekend was that Dereck and kids will all be out of town-- seemed perfect! But I hadn't counted on this grant (we have an internal deadline of a complete draft due...

"As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron." H.L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)

I am home today. Sam is still sleeping, and his fever spiked 102.7 yesterday, so he is home today too. I am so happy is finally sleeping it off (hopefully). Last night, coughing kept him awake until after 11:00 p.m. when I finally found my codeine and dosed him with it. Phew! Need to get another supply of that for winter. Wow, today was a grey day, and I don't feel like I accomplished much. Tomorrow: Sam hopefully will be well enough to go to school (we'll see if he spikes a fever again tonight and how well he sleeps), and I will return to work and my pressing deadlines. Not that I love deadlines, but I am feeling anxious to carry my weight, and get to it. I met Liza for coffee and had a lovely chat and many laughs, and then Dereck and I went on a date to Il Spazio (where else?) and had a great conversation and a nice meal. We ran some errands and were on our way to go get the boys, when Mark called and said he would bring them to us, so we turned around and came home, and now ...

Friday (written partially Friday, and finished Saturday morning) This afternoon, much to my dread because of the time it would take out of a day I would spend in front of a computer just like any other day anyway , I found myself in a car driving along country roads to the funeral of a man I had never met. Once in the funeral parlor, I saw the deceased, lying primly in the casket, arms folded, in brand-spanking-new overalls, which seemed to be what he had felt most at home in. A fitting send-off. I sat in a pew, toward the back as my ride was going to have to leave early, so the only people I knew, my co-workers, were sitting in front, and I looked at the program. The funeral was to start at 2:00 p.m. My watch said 1:20 p.m. Forty minutes to go. My Mormon co-worker -- and my ride-- came over to me, and she had been dreading the funeral as much as I had, so she came outside with me while I had a ciggie to pass the time, and she said those were the moments she missed smoking. That took ...

Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship: 1. When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. 2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid. 4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get. 5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining. 6. When you are confused - I will use little words. 7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have. 8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why, you may ask. Because you are my friend. Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed beca...

Because I found out about Blog It Forward from Kathy , I thought I would pick her first. I first discovered Kathy Howe, who boldly puts forth her first and last name wherever she goes, when reading Philip's blog . And then one day, after seeing her name in the comments forever, I just impulsively clicked on it, and have been reading her ever since. Even though I write really long posts, I like Kathy's blog because her posts are really short! I know, I'm a hypocrite (I like blogs with long posts too). And she is no-nonsense, and funny, but most importantly, she is just a caring human being and if we lived in the same city, I would want to be her best friend. Next in the blog roll... I am going to pick the Highland Farm blog tonight, because it's Dereck's father's blog, and I'm really proud of him for maintaining a blog for so long. Dereck's folks retired to a working farm in Pennsylvania, and raise long-haired cows. I should remember their real nam...

I have come to the conclusion that in order to be a successful grant writer, you need to be able to write for a long time about topics that you know nothing about and have no interest in, without losing your mind. I can only do this for about three hours a day and then I want to go and scream. I have been doing this for about two and a half hours now. If I could write for eight hours a day and not lose my ability to think, the damn thing would be done now. I sat during planning meetings wondering why everybody was so worried about getting these things done in a six-week period, and now I know. Right now the crap I'm spewing on the page is pre-writing, which just kind of orients us on what we are doing. Then I have to figure out how to incorporate this and that into whosits and which. And THEN I have to go and read articles to find evidential support for what I just said I want to do. And you would not believe how long it takes to tinker with these tables. Bitch bitch bitch. But all...

Stolen shamelessly from Shawn : I suppose I fall in the category of wanting some time to grieve over the elections, and also just wanting to stick my head in the sand and make it go away. In between raging about every new report about possible voter fraud (I am convinced that this election was stolen, but that and $.85 will get you a cup of coffee at Java Co.). But I have to say that I do not understand my friends in blogland who claim to have no political interest (you know who you are). It has been too ingrained into me. Everything is political. Everything is political. My decision to get out of bed has political implications, along with my decision to shower, put on professional clothes, and come to work. Not political implications in the sense of who is running the country, but political in the sense that there are consequences for what I do, and I do not live in a vacuum. None of my choices are without consequence, and I choose to live a consciously chosen life. When I do t...

Yesterday I was sitting in my office and I got a call from Christian's teacher. He had had a bad day, and she wanted to know if I could shed any light. He has been having a bad couple of weeks. I explained some things I had observed, and left work to go get him, and told his teachers that he would be staying home with me today. Christian needed a mental health day. And I think he has enjoyed it immensely. He is very hard on himself, and he has had his share of 8-year-old stressors lately: all of the ants in his ant farm died. He has had French tutoring once a week, and he does not like it. And his father told the kids that he loves Jesus more than anything-- even them. The last one was, of course, my personal favorite. So, I explained to Christian that the ONLY way his father CAN love Jesus is to love the boys more than anything. And that that was what his lead-tongued, lame-brained, self-centered, pious-assed father meant. So, today we walked up to campus to get a nine-minute...

And da winner is.... the grants. I am just so sick of words. I never thought this would happen. But after writing pretty much all day, I just come home and don't want to do it. I will blog again-- and I'm still reading and commenting. But right now I just can't write anymore. Ick.

You will be happy, Dear Reader, to know that my nephew Devon made it through his surgery with flying colors and his prognosis is excellent. He is a strong, muscular little guy (with his father, how could he not be? My brother is 6'7"-- and no, I'm not kidding). You will be happy also, Dear Reader, to know that I think the Christmas shopping is almost done. Except for the Daschke men. That, I'm puzzling over. But the shopping for Dereck's mom is *almost* done, and the shopping for the little Hatala boys is done, except maybe for one more thing for Christian, probably bug or dinosaur related. The other two can be made content with Star Wars and legos (oh THANK you, E-bay!), but not Christian. He is persnickety. You will also be happy, Dear Reader, to know that this weekend there is no soccer to go to, so I can sleep in* tomorrow, unfettered (except for the inevitable early morning weekend phone call that always befalls us, for some reason). You may or may not ...

I thought you'd appreciate the realignment that occurred this week:

Yesterday, I made a bold pronouncement on my memoir blog that I was finished with my first draft. Pfffft. Not hardly. I was talking to Liza about it yesterday and she pointed out something it needed and she was absolutely right: it needs a heart and a soul. It has a skeleton and some guts. And thankfully, I had a flash of inspiration about how to get those two important elements in there-- but now I have thirty more pages with chapter headings waiting to be written-- and it will no doubt end up being more than thirty pages that is eventually written. And I am actually excited about writing it. But I have no time to write it til this weekend. And that is driving me nuts. But it is so exciting to be engaged in a fulfilling writing project. When I was trying to hide, ostrich-like, from the horrors of the election this week, the memoir was truly a godsend. Today my thoughts and heart are in Denver with my wee nephew. God protect you, Devon.

but I think I need a cigarette...

I cannot concentrate. I have concentrated enough. I need a break. And I need to know what is happening with this country, I need to know what is happening with the voters. I need to know if we are going to have a new President, as I want more than I have wanted anything for awhile. I don't even know if I knew I wanted it this desperately. I have an invitation to a book club I would like to join-- but I am not going to be able to go today because our freaking guidelines finally came out, and I have to stay and sit here and read them. And to make matters worse, my memoir keeps poking its head out and looking at me, so I will be reading an article for work, and using my red pen to scribble notes in my notebook, and all I want is a couple of uninterrupted hours to work on that. Tonight we are going to a memorial service for the woman we knew, who died on the plane crash two weeks ago. Before that, I have to pick up kids and scrape together order dinner for us because Dereck tea...

Today is my father's birthday (I'll call you later, Daddy), and all he wants for his birthday is a new president. Well, Dad, I'm doing my best. This morning, I realized that I have a meeting (well, it's training for a NetMeeting program, that I have for two hours a morning every day this week! Argh-- I hope I can get other stuff done during it, because that cuts into my time a little too much) this morning from 10-12, putting a damper on the whole voting/lunch plans. So, we got the kids dressed and went and voted and then took them to breakfast at Hardees. They let me take the kids into my little booth for me, and each kid got to actually push the pin through for a candidate. Don't worry: I handled the presidential vote myself. Before we went, I gathered them in the living room for just a wee mini talk about how important this is and how lucky we are to live in a country where we have the right to vote. Christian grew obstinate this morning and loudly declared his s...