At the Foot of the Stairs

My own heart let me more have pity on; let Me live to may sad self hereafter kind, Charitable; not live this tormented mind With this tormented mind tormenting yet. I cast for comfort I can no more get By groping round my comfortless, than blind Eyes in their dark can day or thirst can find Thirst's all-in-all in all a world of wet. Soul, self; come poor Jackself, I do advise You, jaded, let be; call off thoughts awhile Elsewhere; leave comfort root-room; let joy size At God knows when to God knows what; whose smile 's not wrung, see you; unforeseen times rather--as skies Betweenpie mountains--lights a lovely mile. G.M. Hopkins

Staying home like this, having time to do the dishes, thinking about making bread (nod to Liza), looking at the clothes, folded in baskets in the hallway, and thinking that I have time to put them away, and maybe either clean out the car or tackle the studio... The problem with giving me a little time at home is that I want more and I start to feel sorry for myself because tomorrow I have to go to work. So, today, instead of fully enjoying the fine sunlight dappling through my bedroom window, flapping through the leaves, the chill in the morning air as I walked my dog through dewy grass, seeing five little brown birds huddling together at the curb, breaking into flight as my giant dog approached them, seeing her look at them for a moment in wonder before lunging at them, seeing, as we passed my own front yard, one of her small yellow teddy bears dressed in fuschia vest, lying face down in the grass, forgotten, lost among the weeds that are spilling out of my flower beds, instead of enj...

In honor of I Love Yvonne Week , for which I have been a little delinquent (my apologies, Yvonne! ), I wanted to post my favorite pictures from her blog here. The first one is of her beautiful new daughter, whom we readers cannot get enough of. I admit, every day I am hoping for a new picture of Gabby, and I have begun dreaming that I have a daughter. I blame Yvonne for this, of course. The next one is one of my favorites of Yvonne, who is beautiful and doesn't know it. And finally, on Yvonne's birthday-- this was one of the most beautiful posts-- have you ever seen two happier people? Yvonne is one of the writers I mentioned who has a gift but truly doesn't know it. But her writing is as raw, fresh, and funny as any I have found-- I wish I could do what she does. But years of writing cla...

really, my work day is not so different from my day at home. except what i am wearing (blue t-shirt, no bra, blue checked shorts, rumpled hair, no makeup, glasses, pink striped socks, Tevas) i still make the blog rounds, check and answer email, drink coffee, go to the bathroom. what sucks, though, is I left the Garden State CD at work. and I had to make lunch for little other people. and I keep getting propositioned by this young, handsome dude wearing only white briefs to come sit on the couch with him and watch cartoons.

Here is a sample of what I did on Erev Yom Kippur. No, it's not me-- I copied it out of the drawing book. Like it said to. (Stop snickering, I know it's bad-- that's the point!) Last night, Liza came over with permanent hair dye, and I had some magenta to fix. Four hours later... We had both dyed our hair a lighter color and NOTHING happened. So, with wet, dark heads, we went to Walmart and bought more dye. Lighter dye. We put that on our heads. A little something happened. I put highlights on Liza, and I was so tired, I should have insisted on the cap for what she wanted, I should have kept the bleach on longer. She got lovely chunks, but too red for her taste, too chunky. So, this morning, she bought dark brown and colored over. I ended up with what Liza called "Titian" hair, which I highlighted very quickly, dragging the green instrument through my hair. I have not had time to think about it today. I have two puppies home today coughing their little alle...

How exciting ! There is a little smile about my lips, a flush on my face. I have done it twice before. And I have often thought I should do it again. And now I have a chance. And I won't be doing it alone... It's so exciting! I'm really going to do it! Wish me luck! You know, you can do it, too... Karl , you especially should do it. And Liza? You are definitely doing it.

the color on the color box says, " light amber brown " but the color on your head turns out to be ? Yeah, me too.

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink 02. Swam with wild dolphins 03. Climbed a mountain 04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive 05. Been inside the Great Pyramid 06. Held a tarantula. 07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone 08. Said ‘I love you’ and meant it 09. Hugged a tree 10. Done a striptease 11. Bungee jumped 12. Visited Paris 13. Watched a lightning storm at sea 14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise 15. Seen the Northern Lights 16. Gone to a huge sports game (Do the Cubs count? Cleveland Indians?) 17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa 18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables 19. Touched an iceberg 20. Slept under the stars 21. Changed a baby’s diaper 22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon 23. Watched a meteor shower 24. Gotten drunk on champagne 25. Given more than you can afford to charity 26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope 27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment 28. Had a food fight 29. Bet on a wi...

It's almost 4:00 p.m. on Sunday. Guess what I did today? I slept. What else did you do today, Jen? I slept more. Surely not! Surely you have done something today besides sleep? I got up around noon, listened to some NPR, posted on Lucy's blog, ate some latkes Dereck had made, drank a few cups of coffee. Then Dereck asked me if I wanted to come sit outside with him and the dog, and he started messing around on the internet a little, and I went into the bedroom, took off my glasses and Tevas, lay down on the bed, and woke up again about five or ten minutes ago. That's it. I've slept. The only reason I'm up now is that I am terrified about tonight-- I can't afford to be up all night! Why did I sleep so much today? Bad allergy day for sure. And to be sure, the rest of the weekend was intense in different ways. Friday was the eve of Yom Kippur, so after getting up and working all day, we drove down to Columbia, 90 miles, pausing only to stuff ourselves at KFC bef...

Tonight we went and saw Garden State , which has been getting very good reviews. It is written and directed by Zach Braff , who is best known for his role in the NBC show Scrubs . Do not let that dissuade you from seeing this movie. It is one of the best movies I have seen in a very long time, in the theaters or not. And the link when you click on his name? That is his blog. That he writes. When the movie ended, we just looked at each other and said, "Scrubs?" Oh my goodness. What a talented man. I repeat, run do not walk, to see Garden State. We have already decided to buy the DVD when it comes out, and I am going to buy the soundtrack now.

Seriously? I told D last night that if Bush wins, I would move to a foreign country with him. He said we needed jobs. I'm not so sure.

Both of my signifcant others in life have appreciated the fact that I am not a high maintenance woman. Quite the opposite. My roomate Rachel used to tell me that I could benefit from being a little more high maintenance. I am simply not wired that way. I offer you a case study. I got a disturbing phone message at work today. It was on my cell, and from my ex. "Jen, Tommy says there are still library books at your house he needs, and the kids both need their soccer stuff..." Oh CRAP! This means that a) I will have to brave the little boy room and b) that I will have to do laundry. I choose simply to ignore the message further inviting me to bring such items to soccer practice. To acknowledge it would mean admitting that here it is Thursday, their last game was Saturday, and I haven't washed their shirts yet. At least, I don't think I have. I sure as hell haven't folded any or put any away. After years of domestic bliss, now that I am a working outside the home ...

Thank you, Dana , for the hearty laugh. Your Penis Name is: Little Juan Get your own Penis Name On the other hand, I rather like this: Your Twins' Names Are: Betty and Veronica Get your own Twins' Names

I'm really digging Dereck's haiku blog. I invited myself to add haikus to it, and I am a blogging fool.

Pie is back. Kathy had a lovely post today about people who make her happy. Someone else is breaking out of reticence to post. All of these are lovely counterbalances on a sleepy Wednesday, when what I hear on the news is so absolutely horrifying that if I didn't have something positive to focus on, I would be wrapped up in my bathrobe on the floor, unable to move.

Are you Addicted to the Internet? 62% Hardcore Junkie (61% - 80%) While you do get a bit of sleep every night and sometimes leave the house, you spend as much time as you can online. You usually have a browser, chat clients, server consoles, and your email on auto check open at all times. Phone? What's that? You plan your social events by contacting your friends online. Just be careful you don't get a repetitive wrist injury... The Are you Addicted to the Internet? Quiz at Quiz Me! I went to the doctor today, finally, because even after going home for a nap during lunch, I went back to work and felt like crap. I put my watch on upside down. I was dialing the dr.'s office and Liza answered the phone instead. I couldn't focus or concentrate on anything today. I don't have strep throat. He gave me some free allergy medicine samples because I looked so miserable. I have a workshop tomorrow that I have to be at from 8 to noon. But at least if I end up ...

Because one of my children has been having some night time troubles (I won't be more specific to protect their anonymity) and because one of my children is afraid of the dark, which heightens the night time troubles, he spent 45 minutes tonight stringing up white bulbs throughout the hallway to make a path of light for little sleepers. Because he loves them. And for that, my love for him grows even more. Men: don't let anyone kid you. There is nothing sexier to a woman than a man who loves her children. Nothing.

I have written here about my children's travails. I have written about Christian's experiences in speech therapy and our suspicions that there is something neurological going on along the autism or asperger's spectrum. I have written about Tommy's struggles this year with reading (though, I might note that this is the first school year since he started pre-school at age 3.5 that we have gone this long without some kind of note about his behavior-- well, I guess summer school was pretty good, actually... thus confirming my suspicions that his teacher last year was just a big witch). And so now, if you will pardon me, I am going to brag a little. About Sam. Who casually handed me an envelope from his backpack last night addressed to the Parents Of. I opened it and found in it his state, standardized test scores from last year. He scored in the 95th percentile for Social Studies and the 97th percentile for Math. According to this test, he placed higher than 95% of stude...

Kelso, Washington is the Smelt Capitol of the World. What the hell is smelt, anyway? Anybody visited Kelso lately?

Being sick on a weekend sucks. I feel like I have lost my whole weekend. Dereck remarked last night on how peaceful and restful the day was and I said, "Like Shabbat." Yes, that is how it is supposed to be. But there is no excuse for sleeping away your Sunday morning, even if you are sick. I haven't been awake long enough to say for sure, but I think I am feeling better. Yesterday I described it as "Not all the cylinders are firing." Every time I stood up, I wanted to be lying down. Today I still feel a little off, but it's hard to know whether that's because I haven't woken up yet, or because of the bug. If I still feel off tomorrow, I'll go have a strep test, though my throat mostly feels fine. Any twinges I feel in my throat could just be allergies. Okay, I was just in the bathroom (I had been filling up the tub, when Tommy, my wunderkind, ran in and turned off the water, as he is prone to do, and I called, "No, leave it on!" To whic...

(and it's all right there, too!), I might as well steal this : You speak eloquently and have seemingly read every book ever published. You are a fountain of endless (sometimes useless) knowledge, and never fail to impress at a party. What people love: You can answer almost any question people ask, and have thus been nicknamed Jeeves. What people hate: You constantly correct their grammar and insult their paperbacks. What Kind of Elitist Are You? brought to you by Quizilla

I have been sleuthing. I now have a whole virtual world made up of people I have never met. I noticed today that Lucy posted from Philip's house-- or seemingly did, because she has used his email and url. On my blog's comments. This could be a conceit. Or Philip playing a joke. Or Lucy doing it. So, I read Kathy's blog. And Stacey makes a comment about Bill accidentally posting as her, and how that has been happening a lot today. I have never met these people. But I know they live in Cleveland and that Kathy recently went to visit them. So, I go read their blog, and I read the comments and... Lucy has posted there from Philip's specs. Now, even I am not paranoid to believe that this is a conceit designed to fool me because as far as I know, nobody knows I read Stacey and Bill's blog. And I know that Lucy got on a plane and is at a slumber party today. And that Philip is hosting one. How on earth did Philip and Lucy get together? She is in Chicago, he ...

I now believe, after her email which confirmed, "You betcha," that Lucy is "She." I hope you and P are having a good weekend. :). If you don't know what I am talking about, go read this . You're a Narrative writer! What kind of writer are you? brought to you by Quizilla It's been kind of a sleepy Saturday. It was a sleepy Friday night. We had Shabbat, and Christian was having a meltdown-- and this morning did not want his baby coffee, so I am convinced he also has a mild flu. I just don't feel like I have any energy. Dereck is getting ready to take the boys on a bike ride uptown and I am staying here because a) I don't have a bike and b) I have no energy. I took the boys to soccer today, and made a blueberry pie because I had promised Christian and there was just NO getting out of it. Then I slept. The Mormons are unloading a huge red truck across the street. I have met three of the seven kids and the remarkably young looking mom. We ...

Oh my goodness . You think you know somebody. Did I mention that it's haiku? Did I mention that it's really good? Okay. Let me get this straight. He gets up really really early this morning. And starts a new blog. And it's haiku. I just walked into the kitchen and asked him pertinent personal questions to see if he has actually been replaced by aliens. You need to go read it.

Most of the time when I have the flu, despite the chills, the aches, the pains, the time spent "looking at things" in the bathroom (that is what I tell Dereck I do in there, so shhhhhh), I do not mind because it means I can curl up in my bed with the heating pad and sometimes a book and I can just feel sorry for myself and get better. Oh no, most of the time, I don't mind being sick. It's like an earned vacation. But today. Okay, I admit that I've been having er... symptoms for a few days now. But they also could have been symptoms of eating things I don't usually eat. Today, I grabbed The Dash for lunch and we went to Taco Bell so we could have a quick lunch and then go to the gym. First mistake. Can't work out after eating. I knew this. But we went anyway. And started with weights to give food time to digest. Then, after about 4 minutes on the elliptical trainer, I said, "I can't." And changed. He said he'd walk home. I go to...

If you took into account my first post (the Truth hurts) and its juxtaposition with my post about having the flu, if you were so inclined, you might see a correlation between being mean-spirited and then being afflicted with the flu. But only if you were so inclined.

I just finished writing a three-page, [edited by site owner]. I'm not going to lie. Every word was fun.

Found at TJ's blog (No, not as in TJ and Sparky). And I found him through Kathy .

Liza's comment about Fall and how we determine seasons got me to thinking. (Liza, it shore would be nice to have a link to add to your name, ya know?). (And, yes, I misspelled "sure" on purpose). I have known for sometime that everything is subject to interpretation, a fact that disturbs me to no end. I cannot prove that I exist, or that I am alive, or that you exist or that you are alive. And suddenly that becomes a lot more unsettling than the internal debate over G-d's existence. Sometimes, as David Hume once said (my apologies if I am misquoting), we just have to show up and eat our oatmeal because if we spend too much time thinking about it, we will go mad. So, back to seasons. Why do I call it Fall when, as Liza says, it was 80 degrees outside? Well, I suppose the fact that I live in the midwest and was not raised in Minnesota does factor it, because in November when I am scraping frost off my car, you will still be calling it Fall, and that for me will be wint...

I realized last night during our wonderful Rosh Hashana celebration that I had arranged to take a vacation day today because I was planning to go to Columbia. And as the evening stretched onward, the children happily watching Ella Enchanted, the adults lingering at the table over decaffeinated coffee, a little Riesling, apple cinnamon coffee cake, that I didn't actually have to surrender my day off just because I wasn't going to Columbia. Yesterday I worked from home (and reviewed a grant and went in for a meeting) and I cleaned the dining room and living room, picked up my bedroom, vacuumed, did dishes, cleared the table, put a new tablecloth on the table, made my apple challah, worked out, showered, ironed, went to work, then after my meeting, went to Walmart, got things for dinner, picked up kids, came home, made apple cinnamon coffee cake, had chai with Christine, had Sam set the table and walk the dog, chopped onion and red bell peppers and fried them up with perogies, we...

Thank you, Kathy , for the quiz... You're an agitator! Your kids have grown up on the front lines of rallies and pickets, and chances are that you boycott at least one company for its bad business practices. Your kids are learning what matters to you and how they can change what matters to them. What kind of a freaky mother are you? brought to you by Quizilla

I went to the doctor yesterday. My blood pressure is always low, and despite recent events, continue to be low (112 over 60-something). They also checked my cholesterol and my thyroid. The nurse called and left the message, "Your blood results were just absolutely perfect!" Which means I don't have a thyroid problem. Dammit. I called, out of curiosity (well, okay, and so I could post it here) to find out what my cholesterol was. 187. So, basically, I can cross those two things off my list of things to worry about. On the other hand, last week, I noticed my hair was looking a little fried overprocessed. So, I was calling to make an appointment to have the boys' hair cut, and impulsively made an appointment to have mine cut too. I sat in the chair. I explained that I am growing my hair out, but I was concerned about the damage on the ends, particularly on the sides of my hair, but did not want a mullet. She said if I wanted to keep the length, she could get rid of ...

New Year's Apple Challah Here is what I am making tonight. Ingredients This is the perfect cross between a bread and a cake. What could be more appealing - a rich challah studded with chunks of fresh autumn apples. This is the perfect cross between a bread and a cake. The bottom of the baked bread becomes caramelized with sugar and apple juices. Leftovers make terrific "apple" French Toast. 1 cup warm water 2 tablespoons dry yeast 1/2 cup sugar 1/2 cup oil (or unsalted melted butter) 2 eggs 2 teaspoons vanilla 2 1/2 teaspoons salt 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon 4 1/2 to 5 cups bread flour Apple mixture 3 cups coarsely chopped apples 1/2 cup white sugar 1 tablespoon lemon juice 1 teaspoon cinnamon Egg wash and garnish 1 egg - beaten 1 teaspoon sugar 1-2 tablespoons coarse sugar (optional) for sprinkling non-stick cooking spray I am trying not to be depressed. There is no rational explanation for the fog I am in or the funk, or why I have been sleeping like a corpse. I am meeting Ba...

Here is what I am making tonight. Ingredients This is the perfect cross between a bread and a cake. What could be more appealing - a rich challah studded with chunks of fresh autumn apples. This is the perfect cross between a bread and a cake. The bottom of the baked bread becomes caramelized with sugar and apple juices. Leftovers make terrific "apple" French Toast. 1 cup warm water 2 tablespoons dry yeast 1/2 cup sugar 1/2 cup oil (or unsalted melted butter) 2 eggs 2 teaspoons vanilla 2 1/2 teaspoons salt 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon 4 1/2 to 5 cups bread flour Apple mixture 3 cups coarsely chopped apples 1/2 cup white sugar 1 tablespoon lemon juice 1 teaspoon cinnamon Egg wash and garnish 1 egg - beaten 1 teaspoon sugar 1-2 tablespoons coarse sugar (optional) for sprinkling non-stick cooking spray I am trying not to be depressed. There is no rational explanation for the fog I am in or the funk, or why I have been sleeping like a corpse. I am meeting Barbara for lunch today-- she...

I was loading the dishwasher when Sam said, "Daddy says crying is the worst thing a boy can do. I literally pressed my lips together before saying, "And how do you feel about that?" "I can think of a lot of things that would be worse than crying." I thought to myself, "Yeah, how about telling him to fuck off. Then tell him, well, at least you didn't cry."

It just gets worse... So, today when I pick Sam up, I said, "Did Daddy say anything to you about the conversation we had yesterday?" "You mean about not going down for the thing?" "Yes. Can you tell me what he said?" "He said that being Jewish is like being black or being Chinese. You can't just say you're going to be black or Chinese and then do it. And he said if you become Jewish, they take the foreskin off your penis. Is that true, Mom?" I reminded him that we had talked about circumcision, and that in some traditions it is possible not to do that (you do a pinprick of blood, symbolically). I said, "Actually, Sam, you can become Jewish. You're NOT born Jewish or Christian or Buddhist. You choose what you believe. If I were born in Russia and moved to America, and became a citizen, then even though maybe I was born in Russia, I would still be American, right? That is what it means to become Jewish." "Oh, tha...

So, today when I pick Sam up, I said, "Did Daddy say anything to you about the conversation we had yesterday?" "You mean about not going down for the thing?" "Yes. Can you tell me what he said?" "He said that being Jewish is like being black or being Chinese. You can't just say you're going to be black or Chinese and then do it. And he said if you become Jewish, they take the foreskin off your penis. Is that true, Mom?" I reminded him that we had talked about circumcision, and that in some traditions it is possible not to do that (you do a pinprick of blood, symbolically). I said, "Actually, Sam, you can become Jewish. You're NOT born Jewish or Christian or Buddhist. You choose what you believe. If I were born in Russia and moved to America, and became a citizen, then even though maybe I was born in Russia, I would still be American, right? That is what it means to become Jewish." "Oh, that makes more sense, be...

Yesterday I had a fight with my ex-husband the like of which we have not had for years. And it left me badly upset and shaken. I was upset even this morning. But you know, a quick phone call to your lawyer has a way of making things look up. I had asked him to take T and C on Wednesday night instead of Thursday so I could take Sam to Columbia for Rosh Hoshana Wednesday night and Thursday and not hurry back Thursday night. You are going to take him out of school. For Rosh Hoshanah. Yes, it's the Jewish New Year. It's one of the most important holidays of the year. He replied that he would look at his calendar. He called me back later on my cell phone, and I was in the parking lot of our local grocery store. He didn't want to talk about this in front of the boys. But it is not right of you, Jen, to involve the children while you play Jew. We are not Jews. You and I were both raised in religions that celebrated the divinity of Christ. I know you are searching, but the boys are...

I just did something I don't usually do, but that I should definitely do more of: I came home for lunch. Yup, I'm sitting in my own kitchen. I took some colby jack cheese and guacamole, melted them onto tortilla, and then finished up with a tiny little carton of tapioca pudding. Yesterday I had a fight with my ex-husband the like of which we have not had for years. And it left me badly upset and shaken. I was upset even this morning. But you know, a quick phone call to your lawyer has a way of making things look up. I had asked him to take T and C on Wednesday night instead of Thursday so I could take Sam to Columbia for Rosh Hoshana Wednesday night and Thursday and not hurry back Thursday night. You are going to take him out of school. For Rosh Hoshanah. Yes, it's the Jewish New Year. It's one of the most important holidays of the year. He replied that he would look at his calendar. He called me back later on my cell phone, and I was in the parking lot of our...

Well, it had to be done. And I actually enjoyed it. Last week, I went to Wal-Mart (that is the only thing we have in town, folks) and got a bunch of frames you put in file drawers, hanging file cabinets, and file folders. In nice, primary colors, to make me happy. Manila, unlike vanilla, doesn't really do it for me. I printed out the alphabet in a font I like, and then cut out the letters and taped them to white file tabs (I don't know how to print on those things, sue me). Then, I put them into the plastic tabby things. Then, I put those onto folders, making a pattern: red, blue, yellow, red, blue, yellow. Then I assembled the hanging file metal things for the drawers, which was not easy. I had to use the back of a spoon for a screwdriver. Then, I put all of my files (two entire drawers' worth) into alphabetical order. I have A-L in one drawer, and M-Z in another, and every single piece of paper in this office is now appropriately filed and easy to find. I am not an ...

Sigh. I need to apologize, and I will do that personally in a few minutes. Instead of counting blessings or looking for random acts of kindness , I had a moment of sheer meanness earlier this week, from which I am still reeling. An act of sheer meanness that I did. And it was completely unnecessary. I poked my head in where it did not belong. And I shouldn't have. On the other side (is this the bright side?), and on a completely unrelated note, I have a very good friend who did the thing that is the hardest for all good friends to do, and gave me a royal ass-kicking last night. She sternly tsked at me because at the beginning of the summer, I set forth a challenge to myself to tackle a large writing project, of which I have about four pages done. Maybe six. But I have not been reading or writing, other than blogs lately. And I am starting to feel the effects on my intellectual life, which is virtually non-existent. So, last night I started reading a new book. And today, I will get ...

I love Yvonne's blog so much, I've been reading the archives. And tonight I found the funniest damn video . I didn't pee, but I did cry. This one was good too: right click the link and save it, and then you can play it. Oh, thank you, Yvonne. And you too, Melly .

I got this from Melly's blog. And you really do need to read the whole post. If it makes you feel any better, when I was a baby, I ate a banana slug (for you non-Californians, it's the mascot of UC Santa Cruz and looks like this). I can't decide which is grosser.. a ball or a slug. Posted by: Alena on July 12, 2004 01:33 PM That is so gross. Please tell me you have no vivid memory of it. Posted by: melly on July 15, 2004 01:01 PM No, I don't, thank god. I was about a year old and the unsuspecting slug crawled under the front door of our house in the Santa Cruz mountains. My mom says that she was out of the room at the time and by the time she'd come back, I'd apparently grabbed it and squished the bejeezus out of it, rendering it into a yellow goo that could be patented to give Superglue a run for its money. I had goo all on my hands and mouth, and you really have to see my mom's impression of me when I tasted the slug. Ha ha ha. Ha. Ha. She says it wa...